RUN DNC: An In-depth Analysis of the Democratic National Convention and the Democratic Party as a Whole.

 I refuse to talk politics. However, I've decided that LOTB needs to be more diversified. Therefore, I'm letting my friend, Ross Darden, take the reins on this one. Enjoy.

As you may know, the Democratic National Convention, DNC for those of us in the business, began recently throwing the media into quite a frenzy. Your friends are probably being obnoxious and retweeting stuff you care literally nothing about.  Now before we get into what exactly went down at the DNC (we never actually will) let me tell you a little bit about the Democratic Party and what it is at its core. Its heart. Possibly even its soul. The Democratic Party isn’t a group of people centered around certain ideals hoping to impose their left wing, capitalist-murdering, poor-people-empowering agenda onto the country and/or world. No, no, do not be fooled. As it turns out, the Democratic Party is nothing more than a giant ___ party. Like literally a literal party. Literally. You don’t even have to show your I.D. And this party blows the Republican Party out of the water. Personally I’m a little into the whole rich old white dudes making all the shady decisions (full disclosure: I plan on being one of them someday). But if you’re not, rest assured, you have options. 

If you like to party, go to the Democratic one because it is OFF THE HOOK. Everything is free. Everything. It’s basically like Woodstock with a budget. I heard the slogan this year is: Sex, Drugs, Food Stamps (food stamps have officially been renamed to SNAP to do away with the “negative connotation” but SNAP sounds kind of lame in a slogan…and honestly in general (except when being used to “back up” your “bro” when they diss/burn/insult someone (OH SNAP Y’ALL!))). So that gives you an idea of just how bangin’ this party is going to be. Go rent Half Baked, Eyes Wide Shut, and Julie & Julia, throw them in a blender, put it on ice, and take a nice big gulp of the DNC. I’m not making this up, all my info is coming straight off the Democratic Party website. Now before you drop your conservative beliefs to jump on board this party wagon, let me give you a few words of warning about why you should NOT go to the Democratic Party:

1.     You WILL get an STD - Maybe not like AIDS or a really bad one that sticks with you for the rest of your life, but you’ll definitely leave there with some kind of bacteria.

2.     A ton of freshmen will probably show up – College freshmen flock to these kinds of things. Republican or Democratic, doesn’t matter, they just like to party. It’s their first time away from home and they want to “open their minds” to “new experiences” and “live life” to the “fullest.” Basically that just means they want to party ballz.

3.     Hillary Clinton might be there – GROSS!!

4.     Nothing will be name brand – It’s all gonna be knock off stuff because they used OH SNAP! food stamps to buy the eats and drinks. Plus the drugs are mediocre at best. When the mob boss cuts open the kilos of cocaine that are going to the Democratic Party with his bowie knife and tastes it he makes a bad face. Word on the street is the Republican Party has great coke, like even the 80s are jealous of it (yea, the entire decade).

5.     No, seriously. Hillary Clinton might be there.

Sorry I had to say Hillary Clinton’s name so much, oh gosh I just did it again. Really though, I’m sorry, I just needed to warn you. Now clean the vomit off your screen and get back out there.

Dear Chris Schmitt

Dear Chris Schmitt (if that is your real name),

A few days ago you besmirched my name and insulted a baby. I do not know what possesses a person to call a baby ugly. That's pretty low, even by my standards.

Also, I don't know who goes around trollin' random blogs at 3:43 a.m. After some investigative research, I've come to the conclusion that this is the Chris Schmitt in question.

You may call me all the names you want, but if you insult my nephew, then in the words of Russell Brand, "I will slice you from limb to chop!" Troll away Chris Schmitt.

Sincerely,
The alleged *expletive*

P.S. My friend over at restlessweeniedoglegs.blogspot.com is hosting a cyber bullying seminar next week. It would be wise for you to attend.

BACK ON THE BLOCK!

Hello friends, family, random Europeans that somehow stumble upon my blog...

I'm sorry that it has been so long since my last blog post. I recently took a nice little sabbatical, if you will. I did some traveling to the beautiful town of Crosbyton, TX this summer. You really should visit sometime. If Amherst and Petersburg had a baby, it would be Crosbyton.

Aside from my awesome job, lots of exciting events took place this summer. For instance, my roommates and I decided that we missed the ghetto, so we moved back into it! That's right, my blog's name is once again relevant. We have lovely neighbors across the street. There's the group of Mexican men (literally, their cars have Chihuahuan license plates), who's hobbies include: being shirtless, being shirtless on their porch all day, being shirtless on their porch all day with beers in their hand, and giving us the look of "Hey homez, our neighbors across the street are going to go eat dinner, maybe we should rob them while they're away." every time we leave to go somewhere. We also have the friendly neighborhood drug dealer across the street. He seems friendly, almost like a Doug the drug dealer from The Hangover type. However, I have not seen him or his truck in the past month, so I fear the worst...

For those that affectionately remember the Testosterhome (R.I.P.), I regret to inform you that it has been overrun by Frat daddies. Our new home was formerly known as the Estroden, but is now appropriately styled the Testosterden. The Testosterden offers many luxuries such as: working toilets, high pressure shower heads, locks on the doors, and most importantly, working a/c. I know I know, we are living the dream!

The Testosterden

Last, but not least, I became an uncle! Meet Kale Ethan Daugherty:

I'm currently mulling over several ideas regarding the direction this blog is going to take. The ultimate goal being to make this thing more consistent (What? You don't like it when I blog once every 6 months?). Anyway, I'll get back to you on that. My advice for you today is: don't eat lima beans. Those are gross.

P.S. I leave you with this gem. Why do I smile? Because it's worth it.

No One On the Corner Got Swagga Like Us

            It's that time again! Intramural co-rec basketball is in full swing. The Geoducks are locked and loaded with talent this year. We played our first game last Monday against the Vietnamese Student Association. The result? A whopping 51-11 victory. With 15 minutes remaining in the first half, the Geoducks were only up 11-7. From there, the Geoducks went on a 34-0 run that stretched until the 15 minute mark of the second half. At the 13 minute mark, we hit the 40 point mercy rule and the game was over. Now you may be asking, "Who all is on the Geoducks?" or "What is a geoduck?" Good Question!
            The geoduck is a mollusk native to the Pacific Northwest. The geoduck (pronounced "GOO-ee-duck") is the largest burrowing clam in the world, weighing in at anywhere from one to three pounds at maturity. The appearance of geoduck's large, protruding siphon has led to the belief that the geoduck has the properties of an aphrodisiac. The geoduck has a life expectancy of up to 150 years with the oldest recorded at 163 years. Not to mention it also has a strong desire to dominate.

Here is a rundown of everyone that is on our roster (Pictured below):

1) Angela "Wild Card" Estrada (Not pictured unfortunately)
2) Kristin "Never Missin" Amerson (Not pictured unfortunately)
3) Rosa "La Luchadora" Ortiz (Far left standing)
4) Chasten "Ace" Fregia (Red shorts kneeling)
5) Sarah "The muscle" Kidd (Strength shirt standing)
6) Sara "Can't be Stopped" Stout (Far left kneeling)
7) Richard "Big Rich" Jones (The only one that looks like he played college football)
8) Matt "Birdman" Langhoff (The tallest one)
9) Hadden "The Fox" Phillips (Far right, posing)
10) Brent "Archangel" Daugherty (The bearded one)

Support the Geoducks! Trend #Geoducks today and make us happy! Until we win again, peace!