5:02 p.m. - I show up and take a seat outside the cycling room. My eagerness to arrive early to my demise will prove to be naive. No matter, I plug in some gangster rap/Hillsong United to get psyched up for my first spin class experience.
5:20 p.m. -About 5 or 6 people have begun to gather around me. The demographics are varied, from psycho-fit soccer mom to a man who appears to have invented the ironman competition. One similarity reigns supreme, they all have clip-in shoes. As I shuffle my bag to cover my normal sneakers, I begin to realize the dire situation in which I'm about to find myself submersed.
5:27 p.m. - We are allowed to enter the room. The room is frigid, I complain to myself silently. I will be eating those words soon.
5:31 p.m. - Our instructor/drill sergeant/torturer enters the room. The sheet on the front of the door said the instructor's name was Kris. I was expecting a man. I was wrong. Instead, I found myself staring into the eyes of a petite, 80 pound she-devil. She smiled at me as if to say, "You won't be leaving this room alive."
5:34 p.m. - I begin adjusting my state of the art stationary bicycle, acting like I know while I'm doing, while Kris put on the music. The first song on the playlist was, "We Found Love in a Hopeless Place." Taking this as an ominous sign, I proceeded to eagerly look around the room, trying to discover with whom I would find love in this hopeless place. To my left, let's just call him "Bike Shorts Bill," and to my right, "Way too intense Magaret." I decide to focus on adjusting my seat.
5:40 p.m. - I am in the saddle, finding my rhythm to the beat of "Tik Tok" (much to my chagrin). "This isn't so bad," I think to myself. Sure, I'm sweating a little bit, but all in all, This is going to be a peace of cake.
5:45 p.m. - The instructor informs us that the warm-up is over and it's now time to, "BURN BURN BURN." I cringe as I look at the clock and realize there's 40 minutes left in the class...
5:48 p.m. - The next song comes on, called Russian Roulette. I can already feel my quads saying it's not too late to go crank out some curls and call it a day.
5:53 p.m. - The devi...I mean instructor, informs us that we're in an active rest period. This is just a fancy term for, "pace just under a sprint." Just as I'm about to pull the, "I pulled my hamstring a month ago" and walk out, Kris exclaims, "OUT OF THE SADDLE, LET'S CLIMB!" I hate my life.
6:04 p.m. - After climbing 3 mythical mountains, with surprisingly 0 valleys, we come to another active rest period. I come to cherish these sadistic moments
6:09 p.m. - We come to our last song, "Numb" by Linkin Park. The cruel irony is not lost on me as I manage to move the 2 lifeless limbs below my waste. "CLIMB SPRINT CLIMB DIE, " Kris exclaims as more water pours out of my body than I know I put in it today. At this point, if I lost bodily functions, I would be ok with it as my pride already went out the window with the way I was puddling through hummus, while the cute girls who showed up (after the hopeless place had turned bleak) act like their legs are two pistons from a supercharged hot rod.
6:14 p.m. - We conclude the ride. Kris congratulates us and says that she's proud no one passed out this time (small victory). She encourages us to come see her new demo class on Wednesday. I respectfully decline as I don't believe I will have regained the feeling in my legs again.
6:17 p.m. - I hobble down to the exit, when I realized a much crueler irony than the Linkin Park rock anthem. I rode my bike to the gym...
P.S. I'm mildly disappointed I didn't take charge of the Spin Class like Dwight.
No comments:
Post a Comment