RUN DNC: An In-depth Analysis of the Democratic National Convention and the Democratic Party as a Whole.

 I refuse to talk politics. However, I've decided that LOTB needs to be more diversified. Therefore, I'm letting my friend, Ross Darden, take the reins on this one. Enjoy.

As you may know, the Democratic National Convention, DNC for those of us in the business, began recently throwing the media into quite a frenzy. Your friends are probably being obnoxious and retweeting stuff you care literally nothing about.  Now before we get into what exactly went down at the DNC (we never actually will) let me tell you a little bit about the Democratic Party and what it is at its core. Its heart. Possibly even its soul. The Democratic Party isn’t a group of people centered around certain ideals hoping to impose their left wing, capitalist-murdering, poor-people-empowering agenda onto the country and/or world. No, no, do not be fooled. As it turns out, the Democratic Party is nothing more than a giant ___ party. Like literally a literal party. Literally. You don’t even have to show your I.D. And this party blows the Republican Party out of the water. Personally I’m a little into the whole rich old white dudes making all the shady decisions (full disclosure: I plan on being one of them someday). But if you’re not, rest assured, you have options. 

If you like to party, go to the Democratic one because it is OFF THE HOOK. Everything is free. Everything. It’s basically like Woodstock with a budget. I heard the slogan this year is: Sex, Drugs, Food Stamps (food stamps have officially been renamed to SNAP to do away with the “negative connotation” but SNAP sounds kind of lame in a slogan…and honestly in general (except when being used to “back up” your “bro” when they diss/burn/insult someone (OH SNAP Y’ALL!))). So that gives you an idea of just how bangin’ this party is going to be. Go rent Half Baked, Eyes Wide Shut, and Julie & Julia, throw them in a blender, put it on ice, and take a nice big gulp of the DNC. I’m not making this up, all my info is coming straight off the Democratic Party website. Now before you drop your conservative beliefs to jump on board this party wagon, let me give you a few words of warning about why you should NOT go to the Democratic Party:

1.     You WILL get an STD - Maybe not like AIDS or a really bad one that sticks with you for the rest of your life, but you’ll definitely leave there with some kind of bacteria.

2.     A ton of freshmen will probably show up – College freshmen flock to these kinds of things. Republican or Democratic, doesn’t matter, they just like to party. It’s their first time away from home and they want to “open their minds” to “new experiences” and “live life” to the “fullest.” Basically that just means they want to party ballz.

3.     Hillary Clinton might be there – GROSS!!

4.     Nothing will be name brand – It’s all gonna be knock off stuff because they used OH SNAP! food stamps to buy the eats and drinks. Plus the drugs are mediocre at best. When the mob boss cuts open the kilos of cocaine that are going to the Democratic Party with his bowie knife and tastes it he makes a bad face. Word on the street is the Republican Party has great coke, like even the 80s are jealous of it (yea, the entire decade).

5.     No, seriously. Hillary Clinton might be there.

Sorry I had to say Hillary Clinton’s name so much, oh gosh I just did it again. Really though, I’m sorry, I just needed to warn you. Now clean the vomit off your screen and get back out there.