I refuse to talk politics. However, I've decided that LOTB needs to be more diversified. Therefore, I'm letting my friend, Ross Darden, take the reins on this one. Enjoy.
As you may
know, the Democratic National Convention, DNC for those of us in the business,
began recently throwing the media into quite a frenzy. Your friends are
probably being obnoxious and retweeting stuff you care literally nothing
about. Now before we get into what
exactly went down at the DNC (we never actually will) let me tell you a little
bit about the Democratic Party and what it is at its core. Its heart. Possibly
even its soul. The Democratic Party isn’t a group of people centered around
certain ideals hoping to impose their left wing, capitalist-murdering,
poor-people-empowering agenda onto the country and/or world. No, no, do not be
fooled. As it turns out, the Democratic Party is nothing more than a giant ___
party. Like literally a literal party. Literally. You don’t even have to show
your I.D. And this party blows the Republican Party out of the water.
Personally I’m a little into the whole rich old white dudes making all the
shady decisions (full disclosure: I plan on being one of them someday). But if
you’re not, rest assured, you have options.
If you like to
party, go to the Democratic one because it is OFF THE HOOK. Everything is free.
Everything. It’s basically like Woodstock with a budget. I heard the slogan
this year is: Sex, Drugs, Food Stamps (food stamps have officially been renamed
to SNAP to do away with the “negative connotation” but SNAP sounds kind of lame
in a slogan…and honestly in general (except when being used to “back up” your
“bro” when they diss/burn/insult someone (OH SNAP Y’ALL!))). So that gives you
an idea of just how bangin’ this party is going to be. Go rent Half Baked, Eyes
Wide Shut, and Julie & Julia, throw them in a blender, put it on ice, and
take a nice big gulp of the DNC. I’m not making this up, all my info is coming
straight off the Democratic Party website. Now before you drop your
conservative beliefs to jump on board this party wagon, let me give you a few
words of warning about why you should NOT go to the Democratic Party:
1.
You WILL get an STD - Maybe not like AIDS or a
really bad one that sticks with you for the rest of your life, but you’ll
definitely leave there with some kind of bacteria.
2.
A ton of freshmen will probably show up –
College freshmen flock to these kinds of things. Republican or Democratic,
doesn’t matter, they just like to party. It’s their first time away from home
and they want to “open their minds” to “new experiences” and “live life” to the
“fullest.” Basically that just means they want to party ballz.
3.
Hillary Clinton might be there – GROSS!!
4.
Nothing will be name brand – It’s all gonna be
knock off stuff because they used OH SNAP! food stamps to buy the eats and
drinks. Plus the drugs are mediocre at best. When the mob boss cuts open the
kilos of cocaine that are going to the Democratic Party with his bowie knife
and tastes it he makes a bad face. Word on the street is the Republican Party
has great coke, like even the 80s are jealous of it (yea, the entire decade).
5.
No, seriously. Hillary Clinton might be there.
Sorry I had to say Hillary
Clinton’s name so much, oh gosh I just did it again. Really though, I’m sorry,
I just needed to warn you. Now clean the vomit off your screen and get back out
there.
